~~~ SEX ~~~
Inspired by Nick Cave's song: I'm on fire
After the kiss, Chris talked.
"I've always craved guys… but I never craved anyone's touch like I crave yours. Since the beginning. Since that day, you know, you, your fucking beard, your stupid rhymes… I craved your touch even when I was breaking you for Vern…"
Chris felt Toby stiffen but didn't let go, because things had to be said once for all, before it was too late to talk. He couldn't fuck Toby and pretend some things had never ever happened; they had.
"Later I wanted you so much I couldn't think about anything else, I had to touch you no matter how; even you pushing me away made me hard."
The kiss had been a blessing, tentative and tender and soft but Chris wanted more and he knew he'd get it, there was no fight Toby could put up now. Right at the moment he didn't give a damn if it was about gratitude, or need, or love or anything else he couldn't even imagine, confused motivations mixed in Toby's complicated mind. Chris wanted sex but to Toby sex was quite something else -sex with men at least, repulsive and fascinating- Toby was more about touching and kissing than about anything else; lust, his own and Chris', made him wary, but that was because he didn't know how good sex with a man, sex with Chris, could be.
He looked out over Toby's shoulder and saw that Em'city was as dark and silent as it would ever be, giving them as much intimacy it could offer and as he brushed his lips against Toby's neck he searched for the hacks, trying to guess how long they'd got, but Toby's kiss distracted him, and he closed his eyes, revelled in the scent, Toby's scent, which he couldn't define, so unlike any other, so arousing… Desire made him squeeze Toby's body harder, kiss Toby deeper, grab his silky hair to throw his head back, half-dreading a rebuff, careful of any move that would tell him no, too soon, too fast, but nothing came and he bit Toby's throat softly, marking him, eliciting a new kind of moan, impatient and needy.
"I'm gonna fuck you into next century, Toby."
"We're already there… Please… Please, do it, I've been dying for it…"
"You've been dying for it? Were you dying for it when you kept pushing me away?" Chris asked, their lips touching so that his words seemed to flow straight into his lover's mouth.
"Yeah," Toby said and moaned again and so did Chris because the need was just too strong to be ignored, Toby was hard against him and Christ he couldn't wait, he just couldn't and he kissed Toby again, while his hands roamed under the black polo over Toby's shoulders, Toby's arms, his back, and the taut skin under the waistband of the jeans, feeling the muscles tense underneath the velvet skin.
But he wanted him naked, he wanted him compliant, he'd waited a long time for that, much longer than he would've thought possible and he had dreamed about it so much, everything he'd do, every move he'd make, every way he'd fuck him, given the chance… He lifted the shirt and stripped Toby out of it… "Get rid of the rest. Do it."
It was an order but sounded like a plea and Toby gave him an unreadable look before taking off the pants.
"Jesus fucking Christ," Chris muttered, "Tell me I'm not dreaming, tell me that's true."
His hands were touching Toby everywhere, his mouth seeking Toby's lips blindly, his breath short, his cock hurting as he held the naked body against his, still dressed, Toby pressing against him with a desire as wild as his own.
For a second, he released him.
"Is this the prize for saving your life in the gym?"
"No, this is the revenge for breaking my arms."
Toby's answer had been a hard whisper and Chris stepped back, holding him at arms length, assessing him… "Don't push it, Toby," he growled, his body trembling.
"Love is a dangerous weapon," Toby muttered, his eyes closed, "Who knows? It could kill you, maybe you should worry."
"I will. Later."
He pushed Toby on the bed and stripped, not putting on a show – that was not a game- not trying to impress him, just wanting to even things, make them equals, tell Toby, "see, we're both naked, vulnerable, you can trust me now."
Toby sighed, his eyes devouring him.
"Hey, it's not like you never saw me before."
"I never had time to watch. I wasn't supposed to stare."
Toby's hands landed on Chris' waist, pulling him down onto the bed, sliding against his hips, along the soft underside of his thighs, his breath catching, the tip of a tongue wetting dry lips, a soft groan of desire escaping from his throat and reaching Chris' brain.
"Oh Christ, Toby, stop that, you're driving me nuts."
"Yeah, guess that's the point," Toby said, and then, touching Chris' cock, he asked, "Is it gonna hurt? When Vern did it, it hurt and you're bigger than him."
"Are you afraid? Tell me if you are, tell me if I hurt you, tell me if you want me to stop, don't let me take you where you don't wanna go. OK? I'll stop."
Toby nodded and Chris felt relieved; he didn't want any shadow between them, any unexpected guest and he closed his eyes under Toby's thorough exploration, short nails grazing against his belly, strong fingers seizing carefully the length of his cock as if it was some kind of wild animal, making Chris impossibly harder, then letting go of it and finally locking behind the nape of his neck to pull him closer and kiss him.
"You said you wanted to kiss me, you said that it was all you'd been thinking of when I was in the hospital."
Chris kissed him back savagely, bruising him, stealing his breath. "Yeah, well, not only kissing, maybe," he said and Toby chuckled.
"Like I didn't know! Like I didn't see you jerking off in your pod, watching me."
Chris' lips crushed his mouth again, shutting him up, Chris' hands grabbed his hips, and Chris' lips kissed their way down to his cock, kissed it, teased it, until Toby found himself babbling insane imprecations in unknown languages, begging Chris to take him in his mouth because he wanted to enjoy the sensation, wanted to know why even Vern had seemed to soften when sucked and he knew, he knew when Chris' mouth closed on him, his tongue licking the length of his dick, lips tightening around him, sucking him and hands keeping him still and powerless until he couldn't take it anymore and then… then Chris let go of him and Toby wanted to scream in frustration and despair, and pounced, grabbing his shoulders, shaking him, growling, "Don't you dare, don't you fucking dare…"
Chris pinned him to the mattress, silencing him with his mouth which tasted of salt and sweat, locking his fingers around Toby's wrist and waited, his eyes peering through the darkness, noticing that the SORT guys were nowhere to be seen, that the hacks were busy chatting or whatever they wanted…
Next thing Toby felt, Chris was sliding a finger inside him –slick and cool with lube –and Toby would wonder later where the lube came from- pushing inside, deeper, and deeper, ignoring Toby's moans, Toby's struggle, before adding a second finger, and suddenly twisting them, rubbing his knuckles against that magic place Vern had touched once or twice and neglected; and suddenly Toby lost it, yelling silently against Chris shoulder, biting him hard, arching his body, bucking, and for a whole minute he fought, panicked by the overwhelming strength of his own pleasure, the fear of a pleasure that could prove too much to handle, the fear to lose himself in it, until Chris' voice finally reached his brain… "Keep that up, Toby, and you'll be single again in no time."
So Toby stopped moving and surrendered to the sensation, but it was sheer exquisite torture, God, it was unbearable and Chris seemed to understand that finally and withdrew his fingers, released his prey long enough to coat his cock with lube and let Toby catch his breath… There was a clumsy moment when he spread Toby's legs wide apart and settled there, watching him until he read something like an agreement in Toby's troubled gaze.
"Oh God, how do you do that?" Toby said when Chris entered him –his last sensible words for a while and Chris growled, half-crazy with lust and pushed further and further inside, much faster, much harder than he'd planned to but Toby's words, Toby's moans, Toby's wild eyes, Toby's fingers bruising his shoulders, clutching his hips, hurting him, Toby's teeth dipping into his skin made him oblivious to his resolutions and he began to thrust, watching for any sign of pain, but Toby was too far gone to feel any pain, he was meeting his thrusts with all his strength, calling his name, insulting him, cursing him, praising him, until Chris closed his hand around his cock, felt him choke on his own pleasure, stiffen and come, his ass tightening hard around Chris' dick, pulling him down deep in pleasure, and they were flying, their bodies locked, Toby's legs around Chris' hips, his arms around his shoulders, his face in his neck, his lips warm and wet…
"Did I hurt you?"
"No. Yes. I don't know."
"Did you like it?"
"Can you do it again? I'd like to be sure before I can give you a reliable answer."
"You educated cocksucker…"
He squeezed Toby tighter, nearly missed his whisper. "I'm starving."
"Oh, for Chrissake, you're a real romantic, aren't you?"
"I can't be romantic, I'm too hungry."
Chris shifted, abandoning him reluctantly and Toby moaned at the loss.
"Wait... Bonnie sent me something to eat… Chocolates, I think? I kept it. To celebrate."
"Her husband must be sooo glad that she keeps coming back to you!"
"Her husband? What husband?"
Chris wanted to bite back the words but it was too late, Toby had already pounced, naked, shoved him against the wall and the big golden chocolate box flew across the pod, landing on the floor.
"You said she was getting married again, remember, that was why you'd gotten drunk!"
"I don't remember ever saying such bullshit, Toby, and I don't remember getting drunk. Because if I'd been drunk, how could I remember so well how wonderful that kiss was, huh?"
Toby's hand hit his face hard, twice and a dreadful silence fell between them.
"OK, I deserved it," Chris said, wiping the blood from his nose while Toby stood absolutely still, frozen.
"I ruined the mood."
"Don't be stupid. I'm more concerned with the food."
Chris kneeled and picked up the chocolates, his nose aching.
"I suggest we call a truce, OK? If you want me to fuck you again, you'll have to be a bit softer on me, Toby."
He rose and Toby leaned against him. "You don't have to. I loved it. I did, Chris, I fucking absolutely loved every second of it. And I love you, I do."
This time, Chris put the box down on the bunk and took him in his arms. "I love you too, but I guess that was pretty obvious." He sighed and chuckled. "Tell you what? We're gonna eat and then… then I will fuck you silly. You won't have to sit down tomorrow, anyway; you can lay down on your bunk all day long. And then fuck me. If you want to."
Toby watched him long enough, fighting tears of exhaustion and love and nodded. Well, Chris thought, relieved, they'd worked it out after all. And he came to hope that the lockdown would last for a while, sheltering this new love he didn't quite believe in still, giving them time to adjust, time to trust each other and hope. Yeah, lockdown was gonna be just fine.